Contraventions of Consent

When I was 16 years old, my consent was violated by my boyfriend-who, by all accounts, had been the best boyfriend I had had up until that point (the bar was not the highest.)

The situation was messy, and I hadn’t known what to call it. I didn’t want to have sex or go beyond a certain point. I said no and expressed discomfort, and felt entirely unheard and anxious by the constant coercion or unsaid pressuring.

One of my closest friends had termed it as ‘intimate partner sexual violence’- a term entirely alien and terrifying to me. The entire experience can only be described as soul shattering; I had faced instances of sexual abuse or misconduct prior to this, but for it to happen with a romantic partner, someone I trusted, felt unimaginable.

For a long time, I tried to see it from his perspective; he had termed it as a mistake, and I had believed him. But mistake or not, the violation still remained.

In a culture which paints survivors of misconduct as damsels in distress and perpetrators as strangers in shady alleys, we ignore the fact that this narrative further takes away a survivors agency and ignores the fact that more than 90% of sexual assault victims knew their attacker priorly (Glasglow University.)

The study further found that 23% of women were assaulted by a partner or ex-partner, 24% were assaulted by a family member and 44% were assaulted by "another known person."

Verbal, emotional, or sexual violence against an intimate partner or former intimate partner can constitute intimate partner violence. These claims often go unreported, partially out of a fear of retaliation, fear of disbelief or simply because many times, the victim is unaware that what happened to them was not normal or appropriate behaviour.

From childhood, girls and women are socialised into being submissive, docile, 'pleasant.' We are taught that being angry and being ugly are the two worst crimes one can commit. Although we are warned against 'bad men,' one can never truly be prepared for a situation like this-to say that it could've been avoided with a harsher no, simply perpetuates victim blaming, and shifts the attention away from the perpetrator and the society which condones such behaviour. Consent must be given freely and enthusiastically, and can be revoked at any time. Consent for one activity, or one day does not mean consent for everything. There is no such thing as 'non consensual sexual activity.' Here, it becomes assault.

The damage inflicted to one’s psyche, the blow to one’s ability to trust and the intense mental anguish must not be brushed off. I remember feeling utterly crushed, after the disbelief had passed. The devastation, the fact that I still had feelings for this person, still wanted to believe in them. Walking away was a difficult decision, but a part of me had known since the incident occurred that if someone does this, it isn’t real love.